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So Sick

 

Schedule:

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6月19日
国际金融期末考
国际金融期末论文deadline

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6月23日
林业统计期末考(闭卷)

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6月25日
马哲期末考(闭卷)

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6月27日
托福iBT

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6月28日
投资学期末考(闭卷)

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7月1日
多元统计期末考(闭卷)

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那么多闭卷,要背死人啊,我托福作文和口语都没时间背呢,抓狂,本来说好30号去K歌,叶子买了1号下午的票,结果该死的多元统计老师把考试调在1号,那我们5个就不能一起去勒,好累头好疼,宿舍楼下面修花园,每天都又灰又吵,电钻的声音超刺耳,精神不足食欲也没有,好想现在买张机票直接回家,回到自己的房间好好睡一觉,像个蚕一样躲在被窝里什么都不去管,Rena都劝我说假期回去好了,也是干嘛非逼自己实习呢,开个实习证明还不简单,北京七八月肯定热到死,宿舍又没有空调,可是谁叫我一时逞强说自己不回家了呢,而且9月底还想考雅思,还想写篇论文,最近还买了几本想看的书,如果假期回去肯定要带很多资料和书回去,可是一回到昆明肯定天天嗨皮去了,哪里会看书,到时候又要面对每次假期都会被老妈骂的那几项:费钱托运那么多书回来又不看、生活不规律、电话费太高、参加家庭活动太少、太贪玩太不成器、对父母的朋友没有礼貌….其实这些还好,最怕被她翻旧帐或者评价我的朋友:我就是不喜欢你朋友里的xxx,因为她…,我觉得像那个xxx就不错,因为她…;我觉得你在××阶段就是因为当时心思都在xxx上才影响了学习;你说你怎么不早点用功,当年与你说你都当耳边风…..无语。更何况也没人做饭给我吃……到时候开学来了又一阵茫然和空虚觉得自己挥霍青春挥霍感情挥霍金钱挥霍父母的希望,觉得自己完蛋了,可是我就是对自己好没信心,难道是流年月土冲的缘故,土星已经困扰我的月亮快一年了,顺行逆行无数次,再过两个月它终于要走了….唉,好烦好烦,老妈说这一年钱还清不少只剩十多万没还了,说起这我又觉得这两年父母真的太辛苦了,她九月或者十月份来开会顺便可以看看我,我挑了上海与她碰头,到时候正好考完雅思可以轻松下,我想去上海是因为想去南京路和外滩,我从五年前第一次去上海就爱上它们了。可是在此之前还是让我想想怎么面对这一堆纠结又乱七八糟的事吧,我真的好想逃。

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What do you think it’s worth?

We have no great war, or great depression.
The great war is a spiritual war.
The great depression is our lives.
We were raised by television to believe that we’d be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars–but we won’t.
And we’re learning that fact.
And we’re very, very pissed-off.
                                                            ——Fight Club

我们或许没有战争,没有大萧条
我们面临的战争是精神上的战争
我们面临的萧条是生命的萧条
我们被电视里的情节所迷惑,相信自己可以成为百万富翁,成为电影巨星,成为摇滚歌手—但我们没有
当我们意识到这一点时
我们感到非常、非常的愤怒

书店里是铺天盖地的成功学书籍,好莱坞定期推出急功近利的励志片,偶像剧里的主人公总是有着豪门背景或者瞬间成功,名人们拼命的出书、做演讲、大谈成功经,大家都心甘情愿的沉溺在这由媒体、编剧、出版商和业内达人营造的美好气氛中,觉得自己天生就是somebody。


我总觉得给学校排名是比较泛泛的,就像去托福班时一老师说的“问起中国排名前十的学校,每个人的答案可能都不一样,都巴不得把自己学校给加进去”,=_= 哈,虽然对于排名可能各自看法不同,不过一个大学基本的好坏还是有共识的,但一些好学校的毕业生也未见得一定会顺利,那天我的“睫毛buddy”说起她上交大一个朋友,毕业两年仍未找到工作,我都没问原因,因为原因显而易见:高不成、低不就。——人们总是需要一些迷信的。高考扩招之前,人们迷信的是“大学”,高考扩招之后,人们迷信的是“名牌大学”。那些名牌大学的学生自然清楚这份迷信的价值,并且为此自豪,所以他们往往过得纠结。毕业生就业率率低不代表“工作少”,也不代表“好工作少”,而是代表“能给一个没经验没人脉没特殊才华的本科生或者研究生提供的好工作少 ”,however,这理应就是少的。

可那天竹子却我请教msn怎么用,现在是公元2009年,被问到这样的问题我囧到死,从小学到现在,竹子基本都是最乖最用功的女生,和LQ一样,都有成为超级干物女的潜力,她们那种上进的模样是我最需要学习的,但问起假期实习的事,她说她们学校在苏州找个银行去实习很容易,但是她更想去上海,如果不是特别有名的企业去了也没有什么意思,那天聊到以后的工作睫毛buddy也说要是无足轻重的工作那做了干嘛,又说起她的一个朋友研究生毕业,现在正在创业——我彻底的迷惑了,大家究竟出了什么问题,大家都觉得应该要去500强,要去上海北京,要去创业吗?在创业的这个领域里,是有很多青年才俊年轻新贵,很多激动人心的励志故事——巨大的风险带来巨大的收获,但别忘了巨大收获背后一定是巨大的代价,大家也许应该多一点耐心,那样或许会少一些幻觉,少一些过劳死。在我看来才开始工作的头一两年,根本没什么需要挑三拣四的,“独立”就是“独自站起来”,而有些人连站都没站稳,就想参加百米赛跑,那是不可能的,能靠自己的劳动赚钱总比靠别人养着要强,李泽楷虽是李嘉诚的儿子,但念书时也去高尔夫球场当球童,他没说,爸,拿一千万来给我去创业,而他后来的事业是有目共睹的。

关于城市,在北京念书这几年我都渐渐困惑起在这个城市生活的舒适程度了,特别对于这里的房价,我只感到焦虑:记得大一开学时一起和爸妈去他们的朋友家,他们家在三环边上,进了家第一个感觉:小、挤、乱。大概只有五十平米,还好那对夫妻是丁克,所以两个人住勉强可以,当时他们谈话时我旁听到,买这套房大概花了六七十万,我的第一个感觉是,要是我挣了六七十万然后来买一套这样的房子,那我绝对是病了。后来又听老妈说她同事的儿子,毕了业在北京实习,实习工资一个月三千,在四环左右的地方租一套房,房租一月三千——虽然实习工资不低,可家里还要贴钱。房价算是一个典型,而其他的还有比如交通、医疗、子女教育方面的成本,记得大二消费心理学老师跟我们说,现在他女儿一个月光学钢琴学英语之类的课外班学费就是一两千,这样一算,在北京上海这样城市生活的生活成本和生活压力就太大了 ——特别对于涉世未深的年轻人,真的挺难的,我只感到那个80/20的黄金法则——这个城市80%的利益被20%的人占据,其他的人,其实并没有真正受益于这个城市。其实每一个大城市都这样,记得以前看过一个香港的blogger写过一篇博文,我这一辈的生活压力(blogspot被墙了,看不见的自行翻墙),看里面细细罗列在香港的年轻人要面对的种种,我都为作者感到焦虑和压抑。

人才密集的结果就是人才贬值,那天老妈说起她们部门招人,已经提高了要求说只招研究生,可是来应征的还是雷倒一片,一个小小的笔试,据说简单到负责出题的同事都说“我都不好意思出了”,结果还是几乎没人算得对,有些笔试相对好点的面试又一塌糊涂。我妈说,你说那些有点能力的毕业生到哪里去了,虽然是研究生吧,但是也没有什么好学校的,如果招人时来了个上财、中财之类的毕业生,那肯定就要了。嗯,上财、中财在金融领域自然是好学校,但是如果放到北京上海,那么就不是那么稀罕的人才了:论学校,国内外名校的人都在这扎堆,论背景和关系网,政治中心还在这呢。其实招聘进我妈她们那种事业单位还是不错的,日子虽然平静了点、没有什么大富大贵,但工作稳定,福利不错,假期也多,他们部门几个30岁不到的年轻人,房车不缺,日子过得也算安逸,可是我知道人家名牌大学的毕业生是不会来的,人家都要去上海北京,人家都要进500强,人家都要去创业,人家都要一夜暴富,谁有心情来这呀。哈哈。

说起现实、理想和人生的意义,我强推Fight Club,Chuck Palahniuk在1996年时写出了这本书,然后1999年是它被拍成了同名电影,由大帅哥Brad pitt主演,一年前第一次被推荐看它我毫无感觉(没有看到英文字幕,不知道它的台词如此经典),后来无意中找到原书和原剧本里的一些quotations,才深深被震撼,不知道书是否被翻译过来,不过电影是值得一看的,here’s some quotations from  Fight Club(水平低,翻译得差别介意):

  • “When the fight begins within himself, a man’s worth something.”~Robert Browning, 1855
  • “It’s only after you’ve lost everything,” Tyler says, “that you’re free to do anything.”  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 8
  • You buy furniture.  You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life.  Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you’re satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you’ve got your sofa issue handled.  Then the right set of dishes.  Then the perfect bed.  The drapes.  The rug.  Then you’re trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 5(你买家具然后告诉自己说这是我最后买的一个沙发了,然后过了几年你很满足,满足于你拥有完美的沙发、盘子、床、窗帘、毯子——你被你可爱的房子所牵制了,你以为你拥有很多东西,事实上是它们拥有了你。)
  • “If you don’t know what you want,” the doorman said, “you end up with a lot you don’t.”  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 5(如果你不知道自己要什么,那么你可能最后会拥有很多自己不想要的东西。)
  • You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.  You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile.  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 17(你并不是独特又美丽的雪花,你与其他人一样正在不断老去,我们都是某种共同命运的一部分)
  • …you’re not how much money you’ve got in the bank.  You’re not your job.  You’re not your family, and you’re not who you tell yourself…. You’re not your name…. You’re not your problems…. You’re not your age…. You are not your hopes.  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 18(你的价值不在于你有多少钱在银行,不在于你做什么工作,不在于你的家庭,不在于对自己的定义,不在于你的姓名,不在于你的困难,不在于你的年龄,不在于你的希望和设想。。。)
  • All a gun does is focus an explosion in one direction.  You have a class of young strong men and women, and they want to give their lives to something.  Advertising has these people chasing cars and clothes they don’t need.  Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don’t really need.  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 19(到处都是千篇一律的目标和标准,你被设定为一个精力无限的人,希望赋予自己的生命某种价值,人们被煽动着去追求一辆他们其实不需要的车,一件他们其实不合适的衣服,世世代代的人们都做着自己讨厌的工作,买自己不需要的东西。)
  • How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?  ~Fight Club movie(如果你没有经历过残酷的搏击,你永远不知道自己的潜力。)
  • No fear.  No distractions.  The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.  ~Fight Club movie(不要害怕,不要焦虑,那些无关紧要的东西就会真正的消失)

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The Lady of Shalott

The Lady of Shalott [on boat]
John William Waterhouse,1888,Oil on canvas
The Tate Gallery – London, England
Actual Size (W x H) 200cm x 153cm

上面这幅画很多人都不陌生,第一次听说The Lady of Shalott这首诗就是因为J.W.Waterhouse[Wiki, Official Website]的这幅画,Waterhouse是偶最喜欢的画家,他似乎很钟情于这首诗,曾经为它画过三幅画,除了1888年的The Lady of Shalott [on boat],现在收藏在伦敦泰勒美术馆,还有下面两幅是1894年画的The Lady of Shalott [looking at Lancelot],收藏在英国利兹市立美术馆,和1915年画的I am Half-Sick of Shadows – said the Lady of Shalott,收藏在多伦多安省美术馆,事实上,不止Waterhouse,很多前拉斐尔派的画家都曾以这首诗为题材作过画。

 

The Lady of Shalott [looking at Lancelot]
John William Waterhouse,1894,Oil on canvas
Leeds Art Gallery – Leeds, England
Actual Size (W x H): 86cm x 142cm

I am Half-Sick of Shadows – said the Lady of Shalott       
John William Waterhouse,1915,Oil on canvas
Art Gallery of Ontario – Toronto, Canada
Actual Size (W x H): 74cm x 100cm

 

The Lady of Shalott是英国诗人Alfred Lord Tennyson(1809-1892)的作品,分为1832年和1842年两个版本,诗中的故事来源于Thomas Malory的Morte d’Arthur中的Elaine the fair maid of Astolat
个故事, Elaine被她爱的人Lancelot拒绝后自杀了(用的是“自杀笔记”[suicide
note],我想会不会后来超红的动漫《死亡笔记》也是借用了这个灵感),她的尸体沿河从Thames漂到了Camelot的沙滩上,Tennyson曾
经甚至专门写过一首长诗Lancelot and Elaine(尽管Tennyson后来否认了1832年的那个版本,并称自己的创作灵感来源于意大利传说)。

诗中讲了一个叫Shalott的女孩,因为受到诅咒,每天只能从镜子中看外面的世界,转过身亲眼去看任何景象她都会死去。Shalott一边编织一边从镜中观望那个叫做Camelot的地方,日日夜夜的看那些花朵、河流、麦田、寂静的城墙和月光,她把看到的奇异景象都变成了手中美奂美轮的编织,可是她依然伤心的感觉到自己一直只能是个无足轻重的旁观者,甚至没人关心她是不是存在,I am half sick of shadows,Shalott说。

直到有一天她遇到了刚好路过的Lancelot,被他迷住了的Shalott情不自禁的离开了织机,转过身后她终于看见了真实的世界,然后听见镜子破碎的声音。”The curse is come upon me,”Shalott cried。知道自己快要死了的Shalott走下了楼,坐上了一艘小船,在上面刻上了自己的名字“the lady of Shalott”,然后就让小船向通往Camelot的方向顺流而下,而她自己则轻轻唱着歌,渐渐陷入了恍惚和冰冷。后来Camelot的人们发现了Shalott的小船和她的尸体,大家围观着议论纷纷,甚至惊动了附近皇宫里的人,王室的人都觉得很害怕,只有Lancelot看着Shalott似乎陷入了沉思,最后他说”She has a lovely face;God in his mercy lend her grace,The Lady of Shalott.”

真是一个美丽又悲伤的故事。
有人说,Shalott太过逆来顺受,总是被动的接受命运的安排。
有人说,这首诗歌颂了爱情的伟大。
有人说,这不只是爱情,临死前Shalott坐着船轻轻唱着歌,并没有继续去寻找Lancelot,Shalott真正想要的是与这个真实世界的连接:真实的景象,真实的目光,真实的爱,真实的自己。Shalott是勇敢的,用生命来向外面的世界证明了自己的存在。
有人说,Shalott是一个象征,象征着那些艺术创作者——就象Shalott看着镜中的虚景编织出美不胜收的作品,那些文学家、画家、音乐家,他们太过敏锐的感受力和对这个外界丰富的想象力反而让他们无法融入这个世界,他们给世人带来无数精神财产,自己却只是苦闷的局外人。

一千个读者一千个Shalott吧。

不过关乎现实和虚幻的主题却是公认的,老杜上课时与我们说,人觉得快乐,都是因为存在幻觉。越想越觉得有道理,人的一生,能经历的事是多么有限,很多时候我们都靠想象力活着,我们用教学课本、历史传记、名著小说、电影戏剧里的元素形成了那么多美好的概念,以为自己也能遇到罗密欧和朱丽叶似的爱情、以为自己可以遇到阿拉丁、以为自己可以成为拯救世界的英雄,成为摇滚明星、成为吟游诗人、成为白手起家的成功企业家,以为自己不平凡,以为生命很漫长,以为自己对这个世界有无限价值。当有一天谁失去了幻觉,就说明谁失去了梦想,失去了希望,可哪怕临死的人,也希望自己可以逃过一劫,希望儿孙以后能够自己过得幸福之类——人类是不可能失去希望的,因为希望一直安安稳稳的装在潘多拉的盒子里,所以我们总是那么多期待和幻想,特别是我这样的年龄,人生的路几乎才刚刚在脚下展开,就像那面对镜子的Shalott一样,书籍,网络,电视,家人的劝告,别人的故事,朋友的谈话,就像竖在我面前的一面面镜子,让我理解和看到这个世界,可自觉我并未真的融入其中,怎样才是真实,也许哲学家也未曾回答得清楚吧。


The Lady of Shalott
Part I
On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro’ the field the road runs by
To many-tower’d Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Thro’ the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow-veil’d,
Slide the heavy barges trail’d
By slow horses; and unhail’d
The shallop flitteth silken-sail’d
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early
In among the bearded barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to tower’d Camelot:
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers “‘Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott.”

Part II
There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving thro’ a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot:
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village-churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls,
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-hair’d page in crimson clad,
Goes by to tower’d Camelot;
And sometimes thro’ the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror’s magic sights,
For often thro’ the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot:
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed;
“I am half sick of shadows,” said
The Lady of Shalott.

Part III
A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley-sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro’ the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel’d
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter’d free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon’d baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armour rung,
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell’d shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn’d like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro’ the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow’d;
On burnish’d hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow’d
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash’d into the crystal mirror,
“Tirra lirra,” by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces thro’ the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look’d down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack’d from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

Part IV
In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower’d Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river’s dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance -
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right -
The leaves upon her falling light -
Thro’ the noises of the night
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darken’d wholly,
Turn’d to tower’d Camelot.
For ere she reach’d upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they cross’d themselves for fear,
All the knights at Camelot:
But Lancelot mused a little space;
He said, “She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.”

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